It’s like a drug. Following the process of addiction. Happiness I mean.
I remember when I was younger, more a child than a youthful teenager. I could get all my satisfaction and fears way from getting the toy I wanted, or going to my mom in a storm night. Now, the means for which I seek emotional satisfaction cannot be bought or awarded. Storms are no longer my biggest fear. It has been substituted by words like future, decide, etc. I still have those same fears I have always had, but these new ones that added to the list are different.
I mean, most people think they may get happier as time passes. It is common to believe that the degree of joy you’ll feel when getting a raise, getting married, etc. Are indescribable. I am as naive as any other teenager. I have not been exposed to those I just named. But so far it is been like this. Before getting a new toy would get me crazy for weeks. When bored, it was just a matter of getting a new one. And it was not only in the sense of buying toys, but even watching TV, going to the movies and whatever sort of materialistic needs we all have.
Now, these do not cause my frustrations and tears. But more for an ambulant and undecided mind, which should by now already know at least the main path to be followed. What I am seeking for right now not depends on money anymore, but in my appearance, what girls find interesting in me. What I am able to prove in a test.
I don’t know it u get what I mean. I tend to be very messy when I try to download my ideas to the blog. I guess what I am trying to say is that my happiness in no longer available through means that depend on me. Now happiness depends on the response, attraction and comments that people give me. In the tight stable opportunities that appear to keep my social circle the same.
The outcome of this I think is that with time, happiness won’t increase, but the distance to be walked, the sacrifices to be taken and the tears to be hold though the inside are indeed dramatically increasing to reach that same happiness. Fellows, if u are not happy with the present, I can’t under stand how u plan to be in the future. I mean there is no reason for which you should stand anger and jealousy if u can take away at once.
The whole idea is to be happy at the present. With time, you may be as happy, at a greater cost. But joy is completely independent to the reason for which it comes. If it is either a girlfriend, an “A” or a “GI Joe”. You have been equally happy in all those situations. The only variable has been current state and maturity.
Don’t save a smile for the future and keep a tear for know. If u can have both of them right now. The highest peeks of satisfaction won’t come more often or strongest in the future, they come all the time. It sounds erratic, but try to see it this way. AS happy as you would be if they gave u the whole GI Joe collection as a kid, the same happy you will be if u get a porn movie at 12, get drunk at 14, date at 15 and so on and on. So, do not avoid getting that porn, alcohol or girl now expecting to have a greater reward by saving them for the future.
I am not complaining at all. Please, do not misinterpret me. I am extremely happy right now. I have a smile. All I am doing is trying to draw a pattern that may exist in the relation between certain events in growth and the happiness that come with them. DO not be shy, fearful, or believe you don’t deserve it. GO and try, date, seduce, fuck, steal, play, sing, act, run, leave, drop, watch, ask, beg, scream if you are not actually doing it because of a nonsense.
IT MAY BE SEEN AS A DRUG, THE MORE U USE IT, THE MORE U NEED TO FEEL THE SAME. BUT EVEN IF U GET TO EQUAL THAT FIRST STRONG SENSATION, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EXCEED A LIMIT OF PLEASURE ONCE YOU REACHED THE BOTTOM. THE QUESTION IS, IS THERE A POINT AT WHICH, NO AMOUNT CAN EVER GET U HAPPY.
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By the way, it seems like I was not clear enough in the sense that the post about girls was just to prove in a strange way how strong I love and need them. I am very sorry if I offended them. I apologize. You are great, and u know it.
Now all my male friend will probably wanna kick my ass and call me a faggy gay.
